Reality...

I apologize now for the long post I'm about to write, but given i haven't posed in a few days, i think I'm allowed! Ha!

Lovers you Jo - Thanks my sweet friend. xxxxxxxxx Your words gave me strength.

So, today is Friday, my weigh day, Loss = 0.6kg

I have had a bad week, and its only today i have realised that this whole weight loss journey is not just a physical one, but an emotional one and i think that plays a MASSIVE part in actually losing the weight - My head has not been in it, and nor has my heart, I have been negative and down, spending my time concentrating on the negative things and not even seeing any positives - at all. I have still be working out daily, but not feeling it, or wanting it, or even caring, just doing it because it has become so much apart of me, its like brushing my hair, ya do it because you just do! This whole week i have just been going through the motions - day in and day out. There is no reason behind this, nothing has happened to make me sad, work is still work, Jimmy and I are still fine all good there, Kids are good, healthy and happy - So , i have no idea why i have been like this - The one thing that is playing on me is the binge i had last weekend, Now, every weekend i say i was bad and over ate etc, but i really did literally binge this last weekend, chocolate- lots and lots of it, and lollies and hot dogs and this went on for 2-3 days - complete binging, eating how i used to eat, how i got fat in the first place! I don't think anything passed my lips that was even remotely healthy - AND i think it made me feel yuk, too much sugar, too much processed foods, my body isn't used to it anymore, and its just gone FUCK! And made me feel sluggish, and unattractive, fat and just yuk! I did 2 workouts most days this week, except 1 day, worked extra hard because i knew i had too, kept the food mostly good and managed to turn my binge into a loss - BUT i had to make it happen, I'm surprised i lost anything, and between you and me, it was so not worth it. This feeling of yukness is NOT worth the shit i ate.

So... anyways, i know i cant beat myself up about it, i am only human as they say and it was bound to happen and I'm sure it will happen again - I'm not even going to promise it wont, all i can do now is TRY not to slip back into those habits, they don't make me feel good, they don't help me and they don't help anyone else around me ( I'm sure Jimmy has seen a new moody, twisted side of me this week ) !!

So, I have learnt this past week that bad foods and bad choices turn me into a bad person! When my heart and head are not in this, i wont have success, I need to stay strong and focused and WANT to get this weight off, I need to not make excuses for the things i do and step up and be accountable to my mistakes. I need to be proud of how far i have come, how much i have changed both physically and emotionally and walk with my head high - I need to accept that there will be good and bad weeks and i need to roll with it - What i think about, i will bring about, think fat, get fat!!! When i work out i need to be positive about what I'm doing, KNOW i am doing it to better my life, to be stronger, fitter and ultimately, thinner - I know i can do this, because i have done it so far......

• Since beginning my weight loss Journey at around 130kg, I have lost 36.4kg
• That is 28% Of my total body weight LOST.
• My starting BMI was 50 - my BMI now is 36
• My Goal Weight is 75kg, I am only 18.6kg away from that goal
• I was wearing a size 24 clothes and now fit a size 16 - comfortably.
• A week ago i was scared to do week 2 of the c25k - and have now completed it
• Yesterday i did week 3 workout 1 - I didn't think i could, but i DID. easily.
• I am fitter, I can run - I couldn't put on my shoes without sweating when i was bigger.
• I am so proud of myself today.

I'm still feeling a little yuk, but writing that - Makes me put into perspective how far i have come, i still have a way to go - but i can do it. xxxxxx

Kathryn - Wherever you are, my thoughts are with you - Im worried about you. xxx